2019 was a huge year for me. It was, in fact, the most epic year of my life. I had a baby, started a new career, bought a house, and grew in a way I would have never thought possible. I found one of my missing pieces and *spoiler alert* I fell in love this year!
No, I didn’t fall in love with my partner, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t go off and meet someone new. I fell in love, with myself.
I found a love within myself for myself.
Without all the details, I started the year off in a bad place. I was pregnant, in a whole lot of pain, I had a weak relationship with my partner and an even weaker relationship with myself. I can’t remember who told me this, but someone told me, I needed to find the strength within. So, I did just that. I went on the search for the strength within.
I spent the year on a personal journey to find myself and find my independence. I looked to heal past wounds and put myself “together” again. In the past few years, I had felt like I lost a piece of myself; the part that got me through the hardest time of my life over 11 years ago. I lost my independence. I was so used to being Allison with TJ and the boys, I forgot what it meant to be just me. Just, Allison.
I was laying alone at the beginning of the year, in bed, and I was bawling my eyes out. I was feeling like I had just lost my entire world. My head throbbed from the crying, I would wake up in a panic out of anxiety, and there I was alone and lost. I did what any pregnant irrational person would do. Anything and everything to find my mental health for the sake of myself and for (at the time) my unborn baby. This was when I decided to take a spiritual journey and try a bunch of things that were never on my bucket list.
One of the most relevant takeaways from the year has to be about becoming the best version of myself. If the person, the event, the decision, does not make me the best version of myself, don’t keep this person in my life, don’t go, don’t do it.
A coworker of mine started practicing Reiki and I thought that I would give it a try. It wasn’t going to hurt so, why not, right? Reiki is a form of alternative medicine for energy healing. It is thought that the practitioner transfers energy through their palms to the patient to encourage physical and emotional healing. I love Reiki. The experience is relaxing and I always love a reason to get a nap in during the day (ha!).
This is just something I never thought I would love. I can’t really explain how I feel after but I love when I ask my practitioner what they feel. They could feel cold and hot spots in certain places in my body, they move energy through themselves and into me to the point they are sweating and I think that it is so cool. My practitioner said they could feel my heart “qi” energy needed some extra attention. I loved that they were in tune with what I felt I needed even without me saying so. It was an amazing experience. Writing about this reminds me that I’m due for a session.
I’m going to tell you that everything I did, was cool. Frankly, because it was and its all part of my journey and all contributed to where I am today. I don’t regret anything I did or tried. I would have done anything to “find myself” and I feel like self care is not selfish. In fact, I do believe that self care is one of the most generous things you can do for yourself. If you can’t fully come to terms with yourself, you can’t give those around you the best version of yourself, what’s the point? Living in the moment and the present is important, however, it’s also important to come to terms with the fact that our past shapes who we are.
Hypnotherapy brings you into a light state of hypnosis and helps you deal with some past issues that make things difficult in your present state. You can deal with stresses or triggers, or even change things like smoking habits in hypnotherapy. I dived into places of my past I didn’t think bothered me and yet, there they were, starting triggers over little things that shouldn’t bother me. It’s deep, it’s heavy and it hurts to go into all of these different things… but, it’s so worth it.
I explored areas of my childhood I never realized were significant events for myself and have formed and shaped the ways I’ve experienced things and managed things in my life now. It was a very interesting experience.
After this I felt lighter. I was lighter. There’s a lot about my personality that is overbearing and I’m a bit of a control freak and would constantly need approvals from others but I’ve changed a lot, by choice. I live my life the way that I want to and I don’t answer to anyone. I can accept things I cannot change and control. I still cry over spilled milk once in a while but lack of control no longer consumes me the way that it used to.
Okay, here me out. I’ve never tried a medium before in my life. IN MY LIFE. Until this year. I was given the name of a local medium and I wanted to gain some perspective. I thought, “what is the worst that could happen?”. My mind was blown. I had never thought of someone being so specific about my life. So. Damn. Specific. Not only that but there was so many premonitions about what was going to happen this year, things I thought would never happen NEVER HAPPEN (ie. buying a house on maternity leave) and yet, here we are. Or speaking to someone from the other side (it made me bawl my eyes out), or the messages of losing a loved one. She said it would happen and it did. Some of it was a bit distorted and not perfect, but it gave me faith in the year. It gave me something to look forward to and to a certain extent, she was right.
BUT I WASN’T CONVINCED
So I saw another one because like, why not? What’s the worst that could happen?? And I saw someone completely new and different. And there was a completely different message. So here I was with two different stories and different messages from two different mediums and guess what? They turned me into a believer. I can honestly say I was the most skeptical person before and now, now I know there are things in this universe that are bigger that me. I find peace in that, and with that peace, I found a little bit of myself in the process. Knowing that I had a path and a direction gave me a bit of confidence in myself and some faith in the universe that I would, in fact, be okay. I don’t know why I thought otherwise but I knew I needed some type of affirmation to get me through the next few milestones of my life.
TJ started this. He was using crystals and affirmations to get him through whatever he was going through and I didn’t hesitate to try it too. I wanted the long fixes and the quick fixes. I wanted to have something to believe in. I wanted to try everything to be able to find myself.
Do you know when you’re so desperate to find solace, to find a magical cure to heal the pain you’re experiencing, you do anything? I did that, try anything.
My pockets were filled with rose quartz, black tourmaline, Dalmatian Jasper, and citrine. I can’t tell you what each one was for, but I wanted all of the benefits given what I was feeling. I wanted love and I wanted protection. I wanted clarity and by all means I wanted them to work.
I was never a believer in healing crystals. In fact, you could call me the anti-believer of healing crystals. I would easily mock anyone or everyone that had crystals or charged them by the moonlight. It was a bunch of bs to me. I still don’t even know if I truly believe in all of it to be honest. What I do believe in however, is that I knew I wanted all of the benefits all of the crystals I surrounded myself with contained. Even if it’s the placebo effect at the end of the day, I still ended up finding what I was looking for. So really, does that make it any less real?
This last one I did over the summer. My girlfriend started doing this trauma release therapy. I believe it is called The Completion Process but in any case the best way I can describe it is trauma release therapy.
I really took this experience to be more in tune with my body and how I was feeling. It’s amazing how much of our physically feelings get masked because of the way we learn to cope with uncomfortable feelings.
I think my learning to be more open to these types of experiences helped me because I think I went pretty deep down to discover my trauma. Previous traumas in my life that have helped shape and form me into the person I am today.
The power of prayer is something that I never take for granted. Despite doing all of these different things, the most important thing I did was pray to God to help me through whatever it was I was going through. I’ve at one point in my life been a religious person. But pure religion and faith alone was not enough for me. Religion only fills a portion of my soul.
Ok, so I did a LOT of shit to get me to where I am today. I did a whole lot of self searching in many different shapes and forms. I wanted to do everything and anything I could to help me through this difficult time of my life. I did it almost all at once one thing after another and trust me, it was not relaxing nor was it cheap. But it was significant and important to me to be able to safely and wholeheartedly get to my next stage in life. I was driven to love myself and I found it in the most unsuspecting places. I’m not saying you have to do everything I did to find yourself, but if you want to try something new, here’s a few ideas ☺️